Romance is boring.
It is stalwart - a stone
ragged, coarse
stashed in sewers of
coarse heart pipes
trapped in tangles.

It is silent,
frail cousin of moon,
of sun, resigned to stare
out over the fields
scarecrow of emotion.

It's not a river
it has no flow,
nothing to carry
in rows and rows of
atoms splintering,
bursting on one another's backs.

It cannot be a lover,
it cannot bear another's back,
another's hand, another's
waist, arm, leg
scent, taste, breath.
It cannot be the shoulder,
a collector of tears
to sell off for joy.
It cannot sell, it cannot buy
it can only sit,
a scarewcrow of emotion
and watch over the field
It can only glare at feasting
crow from afar, can only sit
and wait through the encroachment
of tears from the sky,
the sting of little white lies,
the hot rays of summer flings
and the dying of the land
in it's fall from grace.

It will be resigned to rot,
to waste away on the pedestal of
coronary guard duty. And yet,
hands from above reach down,
and fulfill it anew,
give it purpose again
to look out and defend.

Thus concludes this verse of poo
made out of affection only for you.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Happy Birthday Moh-tee-canz
lurvz alecks-kun <4334 hartz


But to be serious, I hope you had the best birthday, and will look forward to the rest down the road. And I hope that I can be included again in at least a couple of the future ones. <3

preeeeeeeetty sure i just fucked up my life by answering the door ten minutes ago

WELP

And for not so depressing news, all applied to college. :B

FAFSA forms are almost done, and now scholarships.
...And another whole six months of high school.

the only negative catch

AHAHAHAHAHA I thought I told my emotions to not be a thing after April. 

And yet NOPE.PNG

I am really starting to realize how dependent on others I am. I have not talked to beezy in a few days, which should be nothing, but it is something. It's like she's become part of my everyday routine I guess? 

>Wake up
>School
>Home
>KHV
>Talk to beezy for hours 
>Sleep
>Repeat

I mean, she is a friend after all so it is natural I miss talking, but to miss it this much is...bleh. I don't like it. I don't like how people ever so often with me have become elated to "hahaha oh yeah you kind of keep me happy so be sure to be here nearly all the time bitch LOLOLOL!" 

I dunno, it just feels like I should have more independence in regards to my own happiness? I am glad I have people that do make me happy, but I don't want to elevate them to the source of ALL of my happiness. (Granted it is not to that point at all right now, but it still feel a quite a bit suckish).

bluh
Back to persona for now, I guess.

like an ahdult


Oh god I turn 18 today.
what is even this life

THE OPPOSITE OF TRUTH IS AS FOLLOWS --
REALITYa

Well, that last post was certainly...dramatic. ._.

Anyway, feeling better now. Had a slight breakdown during the week because of stuff with Harriet, school work and such, but I r gud now.

I am feeling lonely a bit because for some reason I am feeling awkward talking to everyone else. That usually happens when I talk to a certain person too much, which happened to be beezy this time, so I guess I want to talk to her more right now??

And this is part of why I want to go into Psych:
figure out how do i live with this this mind

But yeah, not very good at keeping convos up right now.
Trying to make something in Photoshop, went through like 6 different stocks and cannot think of anything.

Probably just gonna do a few of Misty's tuts (and some others) so I can find some inspiration again.
And practice with the iWarp tool which, according to beezy while she was teaching me some Photoshop stuff, is the acid tool. 

Not a very long update, but 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think this is the first time I have ever picked a theme that related to my mood before I realized it.

But yeah, not feeling so good.
Worried perhaps. 

Am not feeling too comfortable expanding my social circle currently. Both online and off.

Feeling this way online is ridiculous, but I pretty much have like 12 people I like talking to whenever
everyone else is pretty variable with how much I want to.

Which makes me feel bad. I am nice to them, and would like to know them, but...something is keeping me from maintaining interest. Which is extremely cynical, and not something I am very proud of. I am not sure how I maintain interest again, or why I lost it in the first place. Heh, watch it be an after effect of what happened due to the Grandpa Funeral/Michelle Fake Out combo. Like every rare instance of negative feeling has been for me the past few months.

Also, haha Harriet. I think I gave up. Why I thought I could beat the distance was beyond me, not to mention she is busy as all get out. She got out of KHV for a reason, and me not acting on feelings I should have a long time ago is something she (and I) do not need at the moment. She has a life and I have my own.

As for offline, I think that is solely because of worrying about other people's perceptions of me. On one hand people say "Do not worry just be yourself :)", and on the other it's "If you want to be successful do not do this or talk about this interest, if you want to get ahead be like this not you guy B|".

I am just far too caught up in this strife that I am always worried about other people thinking about what I do. I always watch how I walk, what my hands are doing, facial expressions; it's gotten to the point where I can actually feel the opinions I have (whether contributing to the conversation or telling some idiotpoophead that they are being fucking ridiculous and to shut the fuck up and stop interrupting shit all the time), and it wants to come out, but it doesn't. 

I want it to.
But I am afraid people will not see me the same anymore.

How am I supposed to fight the gradient, when the gradient dictates how to fight?

my family wants to go out to dinner

remind me to run to the attic and not come out until my homework is done
because fuck poetry

Well, since I am about to finish the final chapter in another hour or so, figure I might as well give a quick update on the dead kids.

Plums Vi Britannia - Killed in Prologue
Sforzato - Killed in Chapter One
Jiku Neon - Killed in between Chapters One and Two
Forsaken - Killed in between Chapters One and Two
Chevalier - Incapacitated in Chapter Two, Killed in Chapter Four
Fearless - Killed in Chapter Four
Sabby - Killed in Chapter Four
Stardust - Killed in Chapter Five
LilBueno - Killed in Chapter Six
Jayn - Killed in Chapter Six
Pika_Power - Killed in Chapter Six

Arch - Killed in Chapter Seven
Xaldin - Killed in Chapter Nine
Mike - Killed in Chapter Nine
Guardian_Soul - Killed in Chapter Nine
Aura - Killed in Chapter Ten
Misty - Killed in Chapter Eleven

All of the following were killed between Chapters Five and Six:
LULUS_MOOGLE ...c:
Roxas
Arc
Sara
Jaden Yuki
Rat
NOISE
Zeonark
Pencilman
Spaze
terra254
Daxa
Akua WaterDragonKing
Annexio
Apologetix
Ashwa <3
Aster Phoenix
Ventus
Atriagrame3
Shiki
Kroshanks
Love
Noroz
Absol
Cryoshell
Christhor
rikusorakairiown
Kubo
Makaze
LARiA (suicide)
Zter
Firekeyblade
nasirrich
tummer
Ienzo
gintasthebest
Alex C:
Cloud.Strife.
Luka
VideoGameNerd
Ghetto
Styx
The Fuk?
Carl Jung
Shizzy
Rayku
Haseo
Trixter
xxxLatiasxxx
Advent

This one is longer because certain betches required a longer length. >:L

Well, the marking period for school ended on Friday. I'm kind of worried about Bio, but I think I'll turn out okay. As for AP Eco, aherkherk. I am really stressing over it. We've only handed in our summer work and a take home test (80%), but we have done nothing else and I just don't know how we're getting graded. It's frustrating.

Other than that, I feel pretty confident grade-wise. Right now I just need to revise some poems, but I can't help but to think about Harriet. It's been two weeks since we've talked, and I guess I just miss her is all. It's hard, but at least I can talk to her now instead of a complete loss of contact. I just hope I can talk to her soon. :c